A Level Of Acceptance

A Level Of Acceptance

In a previous post I spoke about The Road Ahead and the journey we have been presented with.  In today's post I would like to speak of the level of acceptance that Mum and I have reached.

As those of you who are following our story on Facebook would have seen, Mum reached a milestone last week in being able to speak openly about X Man and the road ahead without breaking down.

A Level Of Acceptance

Those of you who know Mum will know that she is a stronger person than she likes to believe.  This being said, it would not be human for even the strongest minded person to not be affected by the news that their child will need to travel the journey that X Man has ahead of him.  Mum is no exception, and for many days there were tears accompanying the sense of disbelief.  I am so very proud of Mum for having reached this milestone.  I know that there are still going to be teary moments along the way and I know (and importantly Mum knows as well) that I will be there to provide that shoulder to cry upon.

As for myself, I guess the best way for me to describe how I am feeling is numb.  Through the excellent information provided by the Doctors, Midwives and staff at The Mater, our GP and through my own research I have a fairly solid understanding of what lies ahead medically for our little X Man. Like Mum, I can also speak openly about our journey with X Man without becoming overwhelmed with emotion.  However, there is no research which will tell me how I am going to handle things emotionally when the time comes.  I do not like being unprepared (just ask Mum).  I like to know exactly what I am walking into at all times.  I guess this is a classic sign of my anxiety.  For me this is my biggest challenge, but I know I have a massive support base of friends and family behind me with the greatest support of course coming from Mum, and when the time comes together we will help each other pull through.

So have I reached the same level of acceptance as Mum?  Or has mum reached the same level of acceptance as I have?  Both valid questions because whilst we both are travelling the same journey and are doing so together, we are also still both very much in control of our own conscious and emotions.  We are dealing with X Mans journey together as well as in our own ways and we are in no way expected to conform to one another's ways.  We have always believed that whilst we have our life together as a couple and a family unit, we are still very much individuals and we give each other the freedom to live our individual lives (within reason of course!)

Some Things More Difficult Than Others To Accept

Whilst Mum and I have reached our own levels of acceptance, there are some things about our journey ahead that we are struggling to come to terms with.  It is funny how the mind works and what it can focus on in a sea of information.  For Mum and I we are both finding it difficult to come to terms with the fact that X Man will look "blue" for the first few years of his life (until the Fontan Procedure).  This is such a minor thing in the grand scale of things but we just can't seem to shake it.  We think it may be because we don't know exactly what "blue" looks like.  We are going to ask the hospital if they have any images which they can show us that will provide us a better understanding of this.

For me personally, I am having trouble accepting that X Man will one day be home with us.  A month ago I was so excited and looking forward to finding out if X Man was a boy or a girl so I could start putting together their room ready for when they came come from hospital.  Now I am so scared that if I put together X Man's room and the worst does happen that I would not be able to face seeing yet alone entering that room.  I now am going to wait until X Man has had his second operation and is recovering well before I put his room together.  I know from the outside this may seem strange, but this is something I need to work with.  Who knows, over the next few months my level of acceptance may grow and I may feel comfortable enough to start putting X Mans room together ready for him to come home.